All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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