Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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