I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
