PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
