I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
