I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
