I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize