Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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