I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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