How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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