Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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