all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
COCAINE IS GR8
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This toilet bowl is my home.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
