If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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