Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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