I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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