Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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