how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
