I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
