When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
How external is "for external use only"?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
