We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
