Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
