If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
