plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
