From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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