the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
