i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
