I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
