my being single is dangerous.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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