I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
