im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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