Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
