I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
