My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
