I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
how drunk are you?
Several
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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