I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
