your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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