Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
