i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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