My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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