I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
