dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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