My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
