Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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