Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
