Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
