I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
