in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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