you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
