I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
