What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
