I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
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I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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