Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
