It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
