I wish life had little blips of pornography
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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