I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
