I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
