I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
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was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
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I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize