You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
