So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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