I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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