guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
